The understanding struck me just now, laying on my bed, staring at the ceiling listening to Steve Reich's Music for 18 Musicians.
There is an urge that runs so deep in us all: this urge is the desire to belong, to be loved, to be told that it's all okay. We need someone to assure us at the deepest possible level that our existence is simply okay. We need someone to tell us that occasionally over-indulging in rich foods is okay, that dropping a music history class is okay, that putting off homework to watch Bottle Rocket is okay, that finding sexual pleasure is okay...To feel true acceptance and justification in everyday actions, I've come to believe that there are only two options (if we can even call them that): one is to find acceptance in God's self, the other is to find acceptance within your self. Some would argue that these two "options" are one in the same, but I suppose it depends on your definition of "God".
Those who know me, know of my aversion to most things "God". But in this past year I've find myself accepting a new form of this "God" notion; a more Eastern view of nature and life and spiritual energy, but still without the "Him" idea.
Today's sudden "understanding" is certainly not a moment of belief on my part. It is more a moment of...well, understanding. In my inner being, I find the first option of godly acceptance to be somewhat of an unsatisfactory path (a false path or cop-out, perhaps?), but I know that's not true for many others. In this moment, feeling such an intense desire to know that it's all okay...I understand why the human race has so often turned to God. Perhaps seeing this is one step closer to being in touch with my own higher being within.
Thanks, Steve Reich.
